Rough life...

I apologize ahead of time. This is a total pity party for me, but I need to clear my head, so don't read if you don't want to (honestly it's not recommended).

You know, I thought a couple years ago that life couldn't get worse (financial issues, kid issues, all that jazz). I was sorely mistaken. I can honestly say I'm about 95% sure I have depression. I've had it before but this is different. I feel numb lately. I don't feel like doing anything, I feel like complaining about anything I can, I don't have energy to even talk to my husband or kids. I've definitely hit a rut. And, for me (being a bottler), I find it strange that I've cried more in the last month than I have in years. I just feel like there is nothing that can go right. Jason's work has been soooo slow lately that we can't pay our bills. My job for sure won't cut it alone. Financial issues are bad, but I think my other issues are worse and I guess what you could call the lighter fluid to my fire. I've never in the last month felt more alone. Even in a room full of people, I feel like I'm nobody. I go out with friends and feel sectioned off, like a "3rd wheel" so to speak. It's like I try so hard to fit in and I am socially awkward. I've never felt that before. Sure there are things that I smile about and that are fairly entertaining, but I find myself being fake with happiness lately. I can honestly say that I want nothing more than to move right now. I want Jason to get a job far away so I can have a clean slate and not feel this way anymore. Usually, I am the one against changing life. I love my family and my friends and my job, but nothing is cutting it anymore. I'm done with this rut in our life and READY to move on. Thanks for listening to my venting. I feel better (not).

Yes, this is the smile of a little "stinker". He tends to look so innocent and that face could melt your heart. However, this little guy is a wild one. He is constantly hitting kids, getting into cords and outlets, and pulling my hair. But, I can't resist when he turns on that charm with those big blue eyes and huge open mouth smile! I love that boy to death!!! He is starting to run... his little legs just go as fast as they can the second he gets the opportunity to bolt. It's adorable. And, although, he is skinny as ever, he is the biggest eater you've ever seen. Yes, there is one bigger than Ashton (he's always been our little pig). Kingston will eat us out of house and home for sure! He is just growing so fast and making me want another one soooooo much more! I can't even describe to you how badly I want a baby! I'm dying to feel those little kicks in my belly, hear the sound of a heartbeat on a little monitor at a monthly checkup, anticipate the outcome of a gender ultrasound, anxiously await the feeling of a first labor contraction, be hooked up to monitors and waited on hand and foot, push with all my might til I hear that tiny little cry, and hold a precious little angel in my arms knowing that there is no greater moment in the entire world and that just for those first few seconds, the world stands still. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than having a baby. Despite all the pain and discomfort throughout pregnancy, it is all so worth it to see this little life you have created. And, no matter how much money you know you are going into debt and how stressful and tiring your life is going to be, you know that it will all be peaceful when you see that cute smile form on the lips of your child! Can you tell how badly I need a baby???
And, then they grow up and need things. Like 8 caps on their teeth at 4 years old. Yeah, Ashton has the worst teeth in the world! I brush, floss, keep sweets away and he still ends up with cavities like no other! Last year, he had 6 cavities filled. Then we went back for a checkup and they said one was forming but it should be okay. Well, 6 months later, he needs 8 caps put on. He is doing great but is a little upset that his teeth are silver. He at first wanted them to go away, but is slowly accepting them. Him and daddy call them special teeth that have "bullets" on them. I love the way Jason is with the kids. To see him and Ashton play puts the biggest smile on my face. He is Ashton's "boss" and Ashton is "captain". Can you believe they have "pet names" for each other. Lol~ I love it and I love them!

lately...

I should probably keep this updated...

There isn't a lot going on in our lives per say but we are crazy busy all the time! Jason got some more students and is working more now, so that is really great! This will get him closer to his 1,000 hours and a new, steady job! Unfortunately, it also gets us closer to indefinitely moving away and that I cannot even think about right now!!! I took team lead and am working till 2 everyday now, which has been okay for me but hard on the boys. It is right in the middle of naptime for Kingston and he refuses, for the most part, to take a nap at the gym! Occasionally one of the girls can get him to fall asleep but even then he wakes up about 45 minutes later. He also had croup this past week, which meant not working hardly at all! The biggest thing about my new schedule is... I work til 2 come home and put kingston down for a nap and then get ashton and myself some lunch. By the time all this is accomplished, I have to get dressed for working out at 4 and get home at 6, to make dinner and do a little cleaning, put the boys to bed, and try to settle in for homework. The only problem is after all that running around, I sit and basically wanna just pass out. I try to read my homework and end up falling asleep. School is definitely taking the biggest hit out of all the things in my life right now. And, to make it worse, I have 4 classes that are fairly difficult( for me at least). I am taking Math 1010 (you all know how terrible I am at Math), Political Science (i'm not even registered to vote and could care less about politics, so you can imagine how that class is going), Sociology (this involves a ton of reading, which I struggle with staying awake on), and Psychology (this is one I could enjoy if it wasn't on the backburner- it doesn't have more than 2 deadlines the whole semester, so i literally have not even looked at the book yet!). I'm extremely bummed about school lately. I was so glad I made it through last semester and I was looking forward to another challenging, but easy enough for me semester. Unfortunately, i just took on too much. My timing with team lead, 4 classes, and my LOVE of zumba is just very off! Jason says I need to sacrifice my workouts for school, but in reality, I can't do homework when the kids are awake anyways, so what is the point? Plus, I feel like an entirely different person when i workout! I feel healthy, less stressed, and have a clearer head than the days I miss workouts! I CANNOT sacrifice or I'll go insane!!!

Now that I've rambled away, I must say that I love my life. I really do! I am a complainer at heart but I love my kids, I love my husband and how much he does for me, I love my job, I love my friends, and I love the opportunities I am given in this life!

Personalities...

So, Ashton has become obsessed with Trio blocks! And, Jason kinda has too... lol. They are really fun for kids his age because they are easier to build with and there are so many creative things to make. Ashton got some for his birthday and then we kept finding them on sale, so he has hundreds of them and he will play with them for hours on end if we'd let him! I recommend them to everyone with kids age 3-5 or even maybe older and you can even get them for gifts for nieces and nephews or something. Seriously, they will be loved by anyone! Having said that, Ashton has also started a chore chart. He is required to clean his room every day and any toys he has out in the front room. He then gets a sticker each day and once he gets to 5 stickers, he can choose to go out for ice cream or save until he gets 10 and go buy a new toy. He is adapting well to this system, but it is hard for us to adapt. Our schedules are super hectic and we don't seem to be home long enough for him to even clean, so then he misses out and gets really sad. He also went to the bank with me the other day and we set him up a savings account. They do it a really fun way where they let the kids come in with a deposit slip and hand them their money for their special account and all that jazz... Ashton is so excited to earn money to put in the bank! He is my sweet boy and I can't picture him any older or less innocent! I love him to death!
My little Kingers has started doing more things. He now waves when you say "hi", puts his hand to his ear (like a cell phone) when you say "hello", and claps when you say "yay". He also recently started shaking his head when you say "no". It is so adorable but I can tell it will be a problem causing thing. He is very defiant. You tell him "no" and he shakes his head, smiles, and does it again. Yay for us, huh?! He is also beginning (yes,already) to pick up the bad habits of the playroom. The other morning, he walked up to another baby about his size and hit him in the face! (not hard, more like a brush against the face) but I scolded him and said "no" and of course, as I said, he smiled and did it again. The poor little guy had never been to the gym until that day and started bawling and didn't calm down until his mom came! Dang King! He is only 1 and already making kids cry. And, lets not go into how he always pulls Ashton's hair and makes him cry too! Luckily for Ashton, we buzzed their heads! He is going to be a handful for sure! But, he is also super sweet and cuddly (especially to his mommy)! And, with all this, I am still baby hungry! Hopefully we can get something set up and start trying in a few months or I'm gonna go crazy! Anyhow, Jay and I are starting up a new semester of online classes today and are not so thrilled, so wish us luck! That's life in a nutshell for us lately!!! xoxo

Life gets wild sometimes!

I'm apparently getting older than I thought, because I now have a 4 year old! Ashton celebrated his birthday on Dec 10th and it seems insane that he is really that old (and about half my height lol).
And, then there's Kingston... My little 1 year old. He celebrated his birthday on Dec 6th. This has also flown by extremely fast. Where did the last year go?!? And, him and his brother couldn't be more opposite! I love that they are so different! (and hate it sometimes). Ashton has always been fairly quiet, very non-aggressive, just a little sweetheart from day one. Kingston has been our roller-coaster child. He has been cranky, loud, out of control, and lately showing aggressive tendencies at work (hair pulling, grabbing at other baby's faces, etc)! He's only 1! We're definitely going to have trouble with that boy! But, he can also be super cuddly, insanely cute (with those adorable blue eyes and huge smile), and so much fun! I love my boys to death! They are so opposite, but play so well together and tie our family together perfectly! They are definitely the icing on my cake!

So, now that I've poured my heart out about my little angels, let's get more serious and whiny lol. Things have been a bit hectic lately. I went a couple weeks with one contact, thus a constant headache making me super cranky. We also have been having a problem with our water pump in our car. So, sometimes the temperature sky-rockets, and sometimes the heater chooses not to work. Yay! NOT! Also, finals have been creeping up this week and last week. Our computer crashed last week, making finals quite difficult, considering I am an online student. Luckily, we were able to get a new computer and I made it work somehow. Now, I only have one final left (history) and the entire thing is extra credit, so even if I choose not to do it, I will pass the class. I did my Math final today and probably failed it or got a very low grade. It's seriously a foreign language to me... I studied, got frustrated, tried to study more, gave up, took the final, now wish I'd not given up on studying. But, oh well- what's done is done I guess! Jay turned in like 7 resumes to different places... hopefully something comes up, but also it would be pretty sad if it did, seeing as how we would undoubtedly have to move. He applied at places like Chicago, New York, Saudi Arabia, Alaska, etc- everywhere but Utah, because there aren't any flight jobs here. Nice career choice but also sucky. I've gotten fairly comfortable here in the last 4 1/2 years and I don't want to leave! So, we are keeping our heads high and our spirits strong to get through life lately and it'll pay off hopefully!

Big changes in life...

Well the horrible has hit... Jason's couple of students he had have now run out of money, meaning he is out of work for the most part. UGH! Although a baby would have been a really great thing to add to our family right now, we are not going to try anytime soon. Thank you money problems!!! So, after much deliberation, I have decided to officially submit my candidacy for Team Lead position at work (again). I was Team Lead there for about a year and a few months just before I got pregnant with Kingston. I honestly don't mind the job at all. It puts me in a position of authority and I already know how to do all the necessary paperwork, scheduling, etc that go along with it. So, I think this will be a good thing. The hours will be great. I am currently working about 10 hours a week and this will put me at 32 hours a week. It will be hard to get back into that many hours, especially having another kid this go around, but I am excited to make more money. We're talking quadrupling my income. It still won't make up for Jason's but it will help a lot! So, I just have to wait until Tiffany says "yes" or "no" to it. She is conducting "interviews" in a week or two and, so far, I am the only one interested, so we'll see! Hopefully nobody else goes for it and it can be an easy process! Ah, the joys of life and money! One day we will dig out of our financial rut and be making big money- you know, when Jay hits 2,000 or 3,000 flight hours and can be an AirMed pilot (this is his goal). However, he is sitting at just under 900 hours right now, so it'll be a few years. Until then, we will hang on by our thread and keep deliberating when to expand our family. The only problem is that a month ago, I was anti-anymore kids. Now, I'm crazy baby hungry. A few months from now, I may turn the tables again and we may not ever have anymore. We'll see... if anyone reads this, I love you for it! I know I'm fairly boring and complain a lot, but I appreciate people who listen to me. xoxo Christy

faces...

Um, I looked in the mirror doing zumba today and realized I make a weird face while dancing. And, I have an annoying habit of chewing my gum while dancing or just letting my mouth hang out wide open lol. I wonder what everyone else thinks of it?!? For some reason, I get embarrassed and instead of smiling or trying to hide myself, I put on this strange face... there aren't even words to describe what it looks like. It's just weird!