Saturday, June 4, 2011

Rough life...

I apologize ahead of time. This is a total pity party for me, but I need to clear my head, so don't read if you don't want to (honestly it's not recommended).

You know, I thought a couple years ago that life couldn't get worse (financial issues, kid issues, all that jazz). I was sorely mistaken. I can honestly say I'm about 95% sure I have depression. I've had it before but this is different. I feel numb lately. I don't feel like doing anything, I feel like complaining about anything I can, I don't have energy to even talk to my husband or kids. I've definitely hit a rut. And, for me (being a bottler), I find it strange that I've cried more in the last month than I have in years. I just feel like there is nothing that can go right. Jason's work has been soooo slow lately that we can't pay our bills. My job for sure won't cut it alone. Financial issues are bad, but I think my other issues are worse and I guess what you could call the lighter fluid to my fire. I've never in the last month felt more alone. Even in a room full of people, I feel like I'm nobody. I go out with friends and feel sectioned off, like a "3rd wheel" so to speak. It's like I try so hard to fit in and I am socially awkward. I've never felt that before. Sure there are things that I smile about and that are fairly entertaining, but I find myself being fake with happiness lately. I can honestly say that I want nothing more than to move right now. I want Jason to get a job far away so I can have a clean slate and not feel this way anymore. Usually, I am the one against changing life. I love my family and my friends and my job, but nothing is cutting it anymore. I'm done with this rut in our life and READY to move on. Thanks for listening to my venting. I feel better (not).